


Mutilation

by Willowanderer



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-typical language, Fantasy Racism, Gen, If I say 'chose not to use archive warnings' read the tags please, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sensitive subjects, Violence against Children, cat like elves, half elf Angus, institutional fantasy racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 02:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18863713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowanderer/pseuds/Willowanderer
Summary: Taako learns a secret and drops some gold.Angus gives a book report and does some thinking.I always hated book reports, didn’t you?





	1. Chapter 1

Magic day had taken a turn for the comedic when a misplaced vowel had turned ‘pocket pudding’ to ‘cap custard’. Even Angus admitted it was hilarious, and Taako took the opportunity to point out that feeling and intent was more important than proper arcane language for most spells. Then, because the custard was turning to cement in Angus’s hair, he helped work it out, rubbing the boy’s head with a towel and rolling each curl between the cloth to squeeze the worst of it out. He could tell that Angus was enjoying the attention, and chose not to say anything. 

“Hey kiddo what’s this?” he ran a finger along the edge of Angus’s ear where a line of shiny skin marked a scar. 

“That’s where my ears were docked.” Angus said immediately, trying not to wiggle happily as Taako worked through his hair. 

“Oh well…  _ what _ .” his hands stilled holding the towel in place with one and reaching down to run his finger tip along the back where the ear met the head. The pad of his finger felt the ridge of muscle and tendon that made elf ears move, and if that wasn’t proof enough, the ear twitched at the touch. There was a noise like a startled kitten.

“Sir?” Angus asked nervously. 

“Who did this to you?” Taako asked his voice very low. 

“It’s okay sir, I don’t even remember it.” 

“That doesn’t make it okay.” Taako put his arms around Angus’s neck, resting his chin on top of the custard sticky towel.

“You’re… you’re not going to tell anyone are you?” 

“Tell anyone that you’re…”

“That I’m…” the gleeful wiggles had stopped. 

“No, tosquito, I guess I won’t.” He straightened up and went back to getting pudding out of Angus’s hair. “It’s not cool though.”

“It’s  _ important. _ ” Angus insisted.

“Why?” 

There was silence, and Taako met Angus’s eyes in the mirror. Angus looked shocked and terrified at the realisation that he didn’t know  _ why  _ it was important, just that it was, and he’d never asked that question. He pulled away from Taako.

“I’m gonna shower. Thank you sir, it’ll be much easier now.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Johann was poking at his soup when Taako slid into the chair beside him.

“Hey, Johann, can I ask you something real quick?”

“I am not feeding ‘Party Rock’ to the voidfish, Taako. It would require I play it first, for starters.”

“Look, getting rid of that earworm would be a service to the world, and you should totally do it, but not what I was going to ask about this time.” 

Warily the bard put his spoon down. 

“You’re a half elf, right?”

Johann stiffened a bit. 

“What was your first clue?” 

“Keen elven senses.” Taako waved a hand. “Look I’m gonna level with you, I don’t know that many half elves.” 

“Not many elves do.” 

“Well  _ some  _ do or there wouldn’t be little half elves, would there?” He grinned. 

Johann pinched bridge of his nose, and sighed, loudly enough that people at the next table looked over at them. 

“Do you have a point?” 

“Relevant. Would you know why… a half elf would have their ears…” he inscribed a half circle in the air. “Docked?” he said the word like it was physically painful. Johann’s eyes went wide and he started to push back from the table.

“Look, Taako, if you don’t know, I don’t want to have this conversation with you.” 

“No wait-” Taako stuck his foot into the legs of Johann’s chair and pushed it back in. “I don’t know who else to ask.” 

“Is this important?” 

“Of course not.” he gave a very unconvincing laugh. “But if there’s a trade in half-elf ears the way there is in elf ears, better to know ahead of time, right?” 

“First of,  _ of course there is _ , you’re a wizard, don’t be an idiot.”

“But it’s my thiiiing.” He raised both hands “Also, not super into using spell components that came off sentient creatures.” 

“You want me to tell you or not?” 

Taako mimed locking his mouth shut. 

“Look, it’s better now, but a hundred, a couple hundred years ago? Half breeds were not popular. They still happened, but it wasn’t something people wanted to advertise. When it first started they were doing it to themselves, to blend in with the humans. But half elves and half elves make another half elf, so do it quick to the baby or they’ll get exposed. For a while, doctors would just  _ do it _ if they attended a birth of a half elf to a human. After all the baby won’t remember. It’s not super commonly known, but there are a lot of those half elves in noble houses.”

“How do people not notice?” Taako asked. “I mean… the other traits.” 

“It’s a  _ secret _ . People in the know know, and people who don’t can’t know. It’d be worse for the person who slipped up than anyone else.” He looked at his soup bowl, and pushed it away. “As a bard, I know of no less than three stories of a full elf-”

“Oh no”

“Doing it to themselves to be accepted into their human lover’s family.” 

Taako had covered the tips of his ears with his hands, easily done with them pressed as tightly to his skull as they went. 

“Very ‘Romantic’ after all.” He shook his head at Taako. “It’s better now. Not common.” the tips of his ears twitched, dislodging waves of hair  “But families, the ones where it’s tradition... Hell they might not even know why they’re doing it. Like it’s a genetic condition that needs correcting.” 

Taako was leaning his elbows on the table, hands still over his ears. 

“You okay?” 

In a shake of hair and a only slightly fake looking grin, Taako sat up. 

“Oh yeah, I’m great. Guess a wandering idiot wizard doesn’t know that much about history. What a surprise, Taako’s ignorant.”

“If you’d never heard of this before, how did this come up?”

“Oh would you look at the time!” Taako pointed to the wrist his bracer wasn’t on. There were a couple of bangles, but no watch. “Reclaimer training, gotta go, thanks for the chat!” He scooted out of the cafeteria. 


	3. Chapter 3

History was a dull as fuck subject, and Taako hated it. Biology was worse, but at least it was tangentially related to transmutation, which he understood. He now knew more about half elves than he had ever wanted to since long before a well meaning older elf had sat him down and told him how and why to be careful. He’d already known he was more of a rooster chaser, but it had been important for… why exactly? All the books were giving him a buzzing migraine. There was even a book specifically on the subject. ‘Ear cutting in Urban Half Elves’ By Teptin Aldgrif 

There were diagrams. 

Pictures of it gone wrong.  

Interviews with redacted names and fudged details. 

He was only four chapters in. 

Taako chewed on another piece of candied ginger. 

“Uhm.” 

Taako looked up from the book. Angus stood a few feet away awkwardly. 

“That’s the book I’m looking for, sir.” 

“Is it now, Agnes?” Taako sighed. “Can’t say I’m enjoying it much, myself.” he closed it with a snap, and offered it over. “So tell you what, you read it, and tell me what  _ you  _ think.” He stood up, dusting crumbs off his tunic, and making no move to pick up the books or the snack wrappers scattered about his chosen library reading nook. Whoever had designed this library loved reading and it showed, with nooks for reading and tables for studying, the bookshelves defusing but not blocking the light that came in through the dome. 

“Sir?” 

Taako turned around, leaning around the bookshelf. Angus looked very small, clutching the volume to his chest.

“Are you mad at me?” 

“Trust me pumpkin, if I was mad at  _ you _ , you’d know.” he took a couple steps back and reached out rubbing the top of Angus’s head through his cap until the cap had turned almost completely around. “So, no. I’m not, if you’re not feeling your detective-y best.”  Taako walked away again giving a little wave. “I’m outski for now, tho.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this chapter is even shorter than the last one, new low.   
> I'll post the next one, which so far is super long, in a couple of days when I'm finished nervously re-reading it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of world building and stuff in here. There are some things that could definitely be called sensitive.

 

They didn’t run into each other again until the next scheduled ‘magic day’. They met up, and for a long moment, Taako and Angus just stared at each other. Then Angus took up his wand. Taako crossed his arms over his chest and waited. Something in his robes shifted, and he put his hand down- into a pocket of pudding. Taako stared at the butterscotch for a moment, torn between laughing and throwing it at Angus.

“It’s supposed to be in  _ your _ pocket. B minus.”

“B  _ minus _ ?” Angus complained. 

“The minus is for the butterscotch.”  he cleaned the pocket out with a flick of his fingers. “Room for refinement.  _ I’m  _ teaching you, so style is a must.” It had been a good trick, even targeting the outer layers of his clothes so they’d be outside his magic resistance. “So I hope you’re prepared for the wizardly shenanigans you just instigated.” He smirked at the boy detective. 

“I  _ am  _ learning from the best.” His wand went back into ready position. 

 

While Taako would never admit it, he went a little easy on Angus, as brilliant as the boy was, he was still in his first year of magic, and Taako had more spell slots than Angus had inches. Now Angus was worn out and flopped on the couch beside him. They’d met up in the Reclaimer’s quarters today, even though some spells needed the space of the cafeteria, and at some point, Taako was going to have to book actual time in the training grounds for the bigger things. But that was a problem for future Taako. He set things that had been disturbed back in place with lazy flicks of the Umbrastaff. 

“Sir?”

“Thought you’d dozed off there, kiddo.”

“I haven’t been sleeping well.” Angus admitted. “Thinking to much.” 

Taako gave a little laugh. 

“I’d think that was your normal state, Ango.”  

“I actually use meditation to calm my mind. I taught myself.” Angus didn’t look at him. “Did you mean it, sir?”

“Mean what? That you lose points for butterscotch, ‘cuz yeah I meant that. That I was gonna scorching ray you so hard your kids would come out flame broiled? Nah, that was trash talk.” 

“That I should tell you what I thought about that book.” 

 

Taako grounded the tip of the Umbrastaff, and pried his fingers off the handle, letting it rest against his knee. 

“Yeah, lay it on me.”

Angus shifted to a more upright sitting arrangement. 

“Well I don’t think it was as objective as it was trying to be.” Angus pulled a notebook out of his bag, and flipped it open. There were neat notes. With bullet points. 

“Nerd.” Taako snorted. 

“I just think if you’re going to approach a cultural subject like that you should reserve judgement. The overall tone was condemning. But I looked it up and the author was an elf, so I suppose I can understand.” 

“Yeah, as a race we’re judgmental as fuck.” Taako considered mage handing a bottle from the kitchen, but the last time he’d tried that he’d ended up with a bottle of vinegar. He’d transmuted it to wine, but that wasn’t the point. 

“That’s not what I meant, sir.”

“It’s still true.” 

“What I meant sir, is that ear hunting leaves elves a bit more sensitive to the issue.” 

“Funny how that works.” Taako ran a thumb along the edge of his ear, spinning a hoop.  It was illegal, of course, at least in most places, but Taako knew how little a thing like illegality stopped determined people. Just drove the price up. 

“The docking of half elf ears doesn't seem to be related to that at any point, though. It appears to just be a way to integrate Half elves into society without revealing their ancestry. All the other traits related, such as magical potential, beauty, and health are beneficial after all. But of course, if it was known publicly it would make them seem illegitimate.” He looked at his notes, rather than at Taako. “There’s a cult- well, more of a small religion, to be fair, that practices ritual cutting of the male genitals for ‘purity’ reasons.”

Taako crossed his legs uncomfortably. Had he really signed up for this book report? Would it be better to just read Angus’s notes, rather than hearing the piping, childish voice  _ say  _ shit like that? 

“There was a connection drawn between the two in the book, because it’s done in infancy usually. It’s not religious, the ears I mean, it’s societal, but it is approached the same way. One anecdote suggested that some children aren’t even told they  _ are  _ half elves. There was also a chapter that theorized the ear cutting was linked to the reduced lifespans that were expected, though apparently there are a lot of suicides, or suspect accidental deaths as they get older.  There were some notes on health problems common as well, especially during puberty. Anyhow, I wish there were more books on the subject, because getting all your information for something from one source is  _ highly suspect _ .”  he sounded so disgusted, Taako snorted with laughter. “But I will give Mr.Aldgrif credit for taking almost a hundred years to gather data.” 

“I’m sure he’d be delighted to hear the endorsement of a ten year old. Now that you’ve told me what’s in the book, what did you  _ think  _ about it?” 

“It’s hard.” Angus said, running his finger down the crease of his notebook. “I don’t… I don’t have a lot of information. And it’s not like a mystery, with one right answer, I don’t think? But… I think if someone tells you how  _ important  _ something is, but never tells you  _ why _ ,  _ that’s  _ pretty suspect. And if you learn more about it, and you still don’t know what makes it important, that’s even worse.”  His foot jiggled as if he wanted to be pacing, but instead he put a sharp crease in the page of his notebook. “And I’ve thought about it. It’s important to  _ them.  _ Not to me.” 

 

That seemed to be the end of his rant, and he closed the notebook again, stowing it into his bag, alongside the book. 

“Them who?” Taako prompted. 

“My family.”

“You have a family? Shit, are they looking for you?” They couldn’t have him back. Angus was his now.  Or something like that.

“Probably not, sir? Sir and Ma’am probably think I’m still at school.” 

Taako had to assume that meant his parents, given how he ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’d people around him.

“... Still at school. You’ve been with the Bureau for  _ months _ , little man.”

“Boarding schools are a thing, sir.”  Angus smiled a little. 

“Then shouldn’t  _ they  _ be looking for you? You didn’t feed yourself to the voidfish, did you?”

“That would make it very hard to use my detective contacts on the surface, so no.” he folded his hands in his lap. “I had a deal with the headmaster. He wouldn’t tell my family I went missing to investigate things as long as I kept up with the work. I was ahead. I- uh-” he looked a little proud of himself. “I tested out, shortly before I joined the Bureau. When I left, he agreed to forward mail back and forth, and in exchange, he pockets the school fees.”

“Somehow this doesn’t sound like a gentleman’s agreement, kiddo.”

“Oh no, I was blackmailing him up down and sideways, sir.” 

Taako laughed. He loved it when Angus played it dirty. 

“Still- aren’t your parents going to expect you home at  _ some  _ point?”

“They aren’t my parents.” 

“... and you’ve lost me again,” 

Angus took his glasses off and cleaned them.

“ _ Grandpa _ was my father. Not Sir. Grandpa used to be an adventurer. And after his last adventure, I was what he brought home. He said I was his, and I looked- look, a lot like he did when he was young. But Sir and Ma’am said that was embarrassing, that he’d have a bastard so late in life, and apparently it was less embarrassing for  _ them  _ to have a surprise baby. So everyone thought I was their youngest. Their other children were already adults. Some of them have children my age. I don’t think Sir was his son, actually. Sir called him Grampa too.  It was one of the first big mysteries I solved.” Angus smiled a little at the memory. “Things didn’t add up, and so I worked out part of it, and went to Grandpa to get the truth. He was so… so proud of me. He was always so proud of me.” For a moment, Angus’s chin crumpled up like he was holding in emotions, then it smoothed into his more normal serious expression. “And I … lied. To him and to you. I remember when they docked my ears. It’s one of the first memories I have. It hurt, and I felt so funny afterwards. But when I was older Grandpa asked, and I lied, because he looked sad. I probably  _ shouldn’t  _ remember it, I must have been under three.”

“Well you were probably reading before you had all your teeth in, so that’s not too surprising.” 

Angus laughed at that description. 

“I’ve always been bright, sir.” 

“You are  _ eleven _ , right?”

“Yes sir. Most of my information is correct.”  

“Gods, no wonder you’re so tiny, you’re like an actual infant.” Taako pushed his hair back, keeping his hand on top of his head, in a grounding way. Angus had always been way too damn young, but this was worse somehow. 

Angus puffed out his cheeks, annoyed. 

“I am not-”

“For an elf.” 

“I’m not an elf, either.” Angus frowned. “Besides sir, don’t elves age a lot like humans until their late teens?” 

“Who’s the elf here?” Taako demanded. 

“One and a half of us?” 

He laughed. If Angus could joke about it, that was good. 

“Listen, I’m not gonna say some bullshit like ‘the best of both worlds’ because as far as I can tell, half elves get all the worst bullshit of elves’ fucked up biology, and they don’t get to live as long, but there are perks.” 

“Dark vision is nice.” Angus admitted. “I didn’t know that not everyone could see in dim light for a long time.” 

“Gonna be prettier than most humans too. Should have been a give away, you’re criminally cute.”

Angus gave a weak smile.

“I don’t want to be criminally anything sir.” 

“Of course you don’t, nerd.” he reached forward and grabbed Angus’s chin. “Open your mouth.” 

“Huh?” 

Taako pushed Angus’s lips back a bit. 

“Huh, looks like you’re mostly on your second teeth- got a bit of those pronounced incisors.” he peered. “Canines still pretty small though.” Angus pulled back.

“I had my front teeth regrown after the Rockport limited, sir. And I haven’t lost an cuspid yet. Probably this year. ”

“Well they had a good chance of growing back on their own. Elves go through several sets of teeth, especially if one gets damaged. Here, check it out.” Taako pushed his upper lip up for a moment, displaying pronounced front teeth and canines that could be called fangs. “Elven anatomy. Bad ass chompers. And since we live for so long, they can come back if they get worn out or damaged.” 

“Do you think that would apply to me?” 

“Even odds chance, depending on you know, how much elf is in your half elf.”  He grabbed ahold of Angus’s face and peered at him again, staring into his eyes. By consequence, Angus was looking at his and watching the pupils expand and contract as he focused.  “Yeah, there it is- just a bit of an oblong pupil, not round not slit.”

“Is it obvious?” it came out slightly muffled because of how Taako was holding his face. 

“Cha, course it is, that’s why it took me several minutes to see it.  _ No _ .”  He let go. Angus adjusted his glasses, and settled back on the couch. “So, if it’s not important to you, whatcha gonna do?” 

“Do I have to do anything?” Angus asked.

“Course not. Does it look like I specialize in doing things? No fucking way.” He draped himself against the back of the couch and let out a deep breath. “Doing things is for chumps.” 

Angus took that as a cue and relaxed against the back of the couch as well. In moments he actually was asleep and slumping against Taako, who was dozing enough to purr at the warm contact. Angus’s face was smooshed against his chest, though thankfully he wasn't drooling. Taako blinked more awake when he realized the faint sound he was hearing wasn’t a snore, but a weak, breathy purr. Like a kitten that’d been saved from a sack in a river. Like he didn’t know he was doing it or how. So maybe Taako purred a little harder. Just because he was comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hiding of half elves is partly based on accounts of Jews that pretended to be Catholic to prevent persecution. After time, there was at least one account of someone who performing the candle blessing on the sabbath without knowing what it was or why they did it, only it was a secret part of their life.


	5. Chapter 5

Taako didn’t push. That wasn’t his style. Maybe he made a couple traditional elven dishes for Angus to try, but maybe he was just falling back on the basics while he got back into the swing of cooking. And he fed them to Angus because Angus would probably eat actual poison for him if he asked…. Takko shoved that thought aside hard. Being trusted that much was kind of creepy. 

He knew how most elves felt about half elves, but that was racist bullshit anyway. Just an extension of thinking they shouldn’t get close to races with shorter lifespans. Boring. Taako liked cats too, he was hardly going exclude them from his life just because they weren’t going to live as long as he would. Besides, with all the dumb reading fresh in his head, half elves were closer to elves than humans. As a race, humanmen’s main virtue was their adaptability, which was generally accepted as part of the reason they could breed with  _ anything _ . And frequently did. Why a race that was so gods-be-damned horny on the main was also so fucking xenophobic was a ridiculous contradiction Taako had never understood. Merle had once told a story about a human that had fucked a mimic that Taako desperately hoped was just a story. That was beyond the whole chicken or sweet talking plants. 

 

Angus arrived before lunch instead of after it, and Taako set him to work peeling beetroots. The small detective swam in Merle’s apron, which had more dubious green stains on it than food stains. 

“Remember to cut away from yourself.” was all Taako said. Angus worked his way through the pile of multicolored root vegetables. He started to cut them into slices, but Taako took the knife away and handed him a different one. 

“Different knives have different uses in the kitchen, kiddo. Just like spell components. You can use the same components for different spells, but you shouldn’t attempt a spell with the wrong components.”

Angus nods, and starts cutting like Taako had taught him. Knife skills were useful for preparing components and potions, not just cooking. 

The roots were arranged in a pan, sprinkled with herbs and oil to roast. They sat down, Taako with a cookbook he was taking a red pen to, and Angus with a book of magical theory. Taako loved that Angus would study the boring nerd stuff on his own, and let Taako teach him the bits that wizards left out of books to make it hard for people to learn from books. The elf made a note to write a book that didn’t, because fuck that. Then he snorted. Angus was an outlier, imagine him teaching people. 

 

“I was thinking sir, could I use magic to make my ears pointed again?”

“Hoo boy that’s a thought and a half.” Taako tapped his chin. “Mnn. Not transmutation, I mean, I could polymorph you into an elf, or human, I guess, but I couldn’t turn you into a half-elf, because you already  _ are  _ one.” he gave a shrug. “Upgrade? You get a cool dexterity bonus.”

“I think I need to work out how I feel about being a half elf, before that.” Angus said seriously. 

“Cool.” Taako was a little relieved, since that spell was hella complicated. He’d need time and warning to put it together properly. “I don’t know if this’ll help your decision, but here.” Taako passed a hand over Angus’s face, then turned him towards the mirror on the wall. 

“Oh.” Angus put his hands up to his ears and didn’t feel anything because it was a glamour, but in the mirror were the points of ears, peeking up through his hair. Not as long or as pointy as Taako’s but still definitely elven. It changed the look of his face. He tipped his face this way and that, trying to decide if it made him look older, or younger, or maybe just less human. He didn’t know if he liked it. He caught Taako’s eyes in the mirror.

“What do you think, sir?” He asked

“Fishing for compliments already?” Taako gave a wry grin. “Can’t be objective here, kiddo, I’m always gonna think longer ears look better than little rounds.” He snapped his fingers and they went away. Angus tried not to feel disappointed.

“So, today’s lesson;” Taako said “Disguise Self. You want those knife ears back, work for it.”

It only took Angus a few tries to get the spell to work, and when he did, Taako started laughing.

“Little ambitious there, Ango.” In his attempt to get the shape right, he’d copied Taako’s ears in everything but skin tone, right down to the piercings. 

Angus frowned, and then the illusion shimmered and instead he just looked like Taako. Taako if he was  _ short _ , but pretty good. 

“Well that’s an overall improvement in the looks department, kiddo, but I’m gonna have to sue you for copying an original work of art.” 

“How do I know you’re not copying me?” It was higher pitched, but a pretty credible impression of Taako’s intonation. 

“Oh, I do  _ not  _ sound like that.” 

“Are you suuure?” Angus’s giggling slid it slightly more toward Garfield the Deals Warlock. 

“Fucking yes, I’m sure.” he knocked off the hat, and noogied Angus until he dropped the spell. Little shit wouldn’t stop giggling. 

 

After reclaiming his actual hat, Angus gave it another shot, and produced a disguise self that did just look like himself with half elven ears. He studied himself in the mirror for a long time. Taako went back to his cookbook.  It was soothing; even before he’d started cooking again, he’d liked to edit other people’s recipes. 

“Sir?”

“What is it, dumpling?”

“Why do you have a mirror in the kitchen?” 

“Oh lots of reasons.” Taako said arily, waving his pen in the air. “First off, because I’m fabulous, and it’s fun to watch myself cook. Best way to be sure to have charming company. Adding a mirror to a room makes it look more spacious too. And it helps stop Magnus from sneaking up on me.”

Angus sat back at the table, still wearing the disguised ears. 

“I wanted to say something, and this may seem related, but it isn’t, precisely.” Angus took a deep breath. “<Thank you for this debt, teacher(mine)>” 

Taako stared, then cackled. “You’re learning elvish, that’s hilarious!” 

“I can read it fairly well, but I don’t speak it that well yet, sir.” Angus said proudly.

“I can tell.  _ Magnus  _ speaks it better than you kiddo.” though to be fair, that might just be that Magnus happened to speak a dialect a lot closer to Taako’s than most elves. “And I think  _ he  _ just leaned to impress chicks.” 

“That seems like an awful lot of work to maybe impress a girl, sir.” 

Taako reached across the table and squished his cheeks

“You’re so young! So pure! What the hell?”  He dropped his hands “Anyhow, the word isn’t <debt> in reference to teaching. The word <teaching> implies what you’re looking for by itself.” 

Angus repeated it. 

“Guess I’m gonna need to start speaking more elvish around you so you can learn without fucking it up. Most books try to make it like common; and it’s really not. I mean, <teaching> is closer to <gift> than <debt> but in common, either’d work. And you get gems like there’s a way to say ‘everybody but them’ you know an exclusionary everybody.” Taako managed to get Angus to repeat a couple really filthy phrases in elvish before the kid caught on. 

 

Angus stopped in the middle of a sentence, dispelled the disguise self, and completed it sentence before Taako heard the door close. Silence for a moment, then Magnus burst through the kitchen door. Despite the fact he half expected it, he still jumped at Magnus’s sudden 

“HEY! What are you cookin’?

“Yeesh, nothing you’re eating with those manners.” 

“Aw, you’re such a flavor-teaze.” He leaned over Angus’s shoulder and peered at the book, snatching it up from under the boy’s hand. 

“Oh hey! You’re learning elvish! Your handwriting looks great.” Mangus said supportively, while putting a hand on Angus’s face to prevent him from climbing on a chair to retrieve his book. 

“Thank you very much, sir, if I could just-” his hand flailed a bit as he stretched after it. 

“Nah,” the book that looked big in Angus’s hands looked small in Magnus’s and he flipped a page with his fingers, still holding Angus in place.  “I wanna see what you’re learning.”

“Tell you what, big guy, you practice phrases with the little dork, and I’m gonna finish the sauce for lunch.” Taako pushed away from the table, and Agnus struck with his wand, mage handing his book away from Magnus. Book safe under his arm, he swung the mage hand out to hive five Taako’s outstretched hand. Magnus laughed, and dropped to the chair beside Angus. It took him less than five minutes to try and get Angus to say the exact same dirty things Taako had; which Angus did with a straight face. 

 

Taako pulled the dish out of the oven, setting it on the table, and swatting Magnus’s hand away as he reached for it. 

“If you’re feeling handy, get plates, you savage.” He garnished it with the Low Sodium Salt Shaker and fussed with his stone of far speech finding the picture setting, and trying a couple shots of the finished dish. Angus pretended not to notice his ears flicking as he counted to careful ten in his head while he pretended to care about Fantasy Instagram. He was giving time for the magic to work. He didn’t need to, it worked instantaneously, but Taako always did this before he served food he cooked. Looking up he was met with a perfectly set table for four, and Magnus’s puppy eyes staring at the dish intently. 

“Okay, _fine_ ,” Taako sighed. “I guess, you can have some. Made too much anyway.”

It was hard for someone as much of a cook at heart as Taako was not to like someone so enthusiastic about food as Magnus.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> veiled Lup reference? I think so.   
> Magnus what are you doing there? I didn't invite you. Gods, not the eyes....


	6. Chapter 6

“Yo- Ango McDango” Taako hailed him as he trotted across the quad, and he gingerly stepped off the path and onto the grass to where Taako was reclining next to the ‘stay off the grass’ sign. One of his heeled boots was propped up on it.

“What is it sir?” 

“I was wondering if you’d be up for a field trip this week. Pick up some components, maybe do another errand,” 

“What kind of errand?”

“Okay, so there’s this place on the Derry Downs, outside Rockport. Got a cleric that specializes in regeneration.”

“That makes sense sir, with the industry and all in Rockport, there are probably a lot of accidents. But I thought Merle was satisfied with the soulwood arm?”

“No, Agnes, for  _ you _ .” 

“Oh.” Angus blinked. 

“What I’m gonna let  _ Merle  _ try and do something delicate with my favorite apprentice?”

Angus reached up and tugged on the lobe of one ear, before hooking a finger over the round edge and the scar. He’d been doing that a lot lately. 

“It’s cool if you don’t want to, save some money. But if you think you’ve been sneaky in using disguise self to give yourself pointed ears these last couple weeks, well… I hope you sneak better when you’re detecting, is all I’m saying,” 

“Well maybe I  _ let  _ you see, sir, did you think of that?” 

Taako laughed and Angus sniffed.

“That’s not very nice, sir.”

“Ango, how in the wild world of sports do you think I’m  _ nice _ ?” to prove his point, he yanked the bottom book from Angus’s stack. It was full of sticky notes. The title was ‘Glass Half Full- notable halfbreeds in Ferun’s History’ by Ahbevus S’dnam. “You’ve really been thinking about this, haven’t you kiddo?”

“I like this book a lot more than the other one. You can read it.” Angus pointed at one bookmark “I’m pretty sure this one was brought up human and had his ears restored, because he showed up full grown, and was always considered odd for an elf.” 

“Doesn’t mean shit, I’m odd for an elf.”

“I thought it wouldn’t be polite to mention it, sir.”

Taako stifled a laugh. 

“Well?”

Angus nodded, once.

“Cool. Meet me in the hangar.” he groaned theatrically. “An hour earlier than usual.” 

 

They got shot down outside Rockport, and strolled into town, catching a ride on the local train towards the coast. It went through a swamp that Taako called ‘scenic and stinky’ and commented that he preferred going through it on a train.  Angus agreed, and fended off questions as to why he’d been in a swamp with ‘you never showed interest in my cases before, sir, but if you really want to know...’

The Derry Downs was the second stop on the local train, and with the trains running regularly, it was developing into a bedroom community. It wasn’t even farming, that was another stop or two out from the city of industry, it was craftspeople, it was truck gardens and farmers markets and old men dosing on benches in the sun, and bistros whose chalked menus had quirky things written on them. There was also a community of breeders of racing horses and dogs that hadn’t gone away. The dogs were everywhere, and Taako was glad Magnus wasn’t there. They strolled through the markets casually, and Taako taught him Detect Magic, which he claimed was the best way to shop antique markets. Angus surprised him by taking very quickly to haggling. 

 

Finally, Taako consulted a piece of paper at a street sign, and they headed down it. The street was full of modest storefronts, and it was easy enough to spot their goal. The sign over the door said ‘Dor’wyn Leafback: Cleric, Apothecary, Regeneration and Restoration’ 

Taako put a hand on his shoulder. 

“You can always change your mind, this is absolutely a ‘you’ decision, Ango. If you don’t want to get them restored, it’s cool.” 

“No, I’ve made up my mind, sir. If I was unsure, we wouldn’t have gotten this far.” 

 

A cheery bell rang when they entered, and Taako looked up at it like it personally offended him. The inside was pleasantly dim, mostly lit from the window in the front and a small lamp that was on the altar against the back wall. The rest of the walls were filled with shelves full of ingredients and components.  After a few moments, a half elf in robes came out of the back room. 

“What can I do for you?” 

“My boy here needs a regeneration done on him.” Taako rested a hand on Angus’s shoulder again. 

The cleric, presumably Dor’Wyn looked at the both of them, and stepped forward.

“His mother’s people did it?” he asked. “Tch.” Tipping Angus’s head forward, the half elf examined his ears. “Nice neat job at least, professional. I’ve seen people whose mothers panicked and cut them off with a paring knife.”

“Well that one’s going in the nightmare bin.” Taako mumbled under his breath. “Trigger warning: misuse of kitchen implements.” 

“So your name is Dor’wyn? That’s an interesting name.” Angus asked to change the subject.

“A traditional style in my region. It’s a shortening of an adage.” The Cleric offered. He then said the phrase in elvish, a little too fast for Angus to catch.

“Pardon?”

“‘If the door is locked, try a window.’” Taako provided.

“You speak a… colorful dialect. I suppose it could be translated that way. My mother would translate it as ‘Gods don’t close a door unless they open a window’”

“Mine makes more sense.” Taako  inspected his nails. 

“I can do it right now if you’d like.” 

Takko looked at Angus who nodded. 

“Sure.” 

Dor’Wyn looked at Taako for a moment, taking in all of him.

“Payment up front.”

 

Coming from a rich family, and then moving directly to lines of work that lent themselves to having good health care clerics on hand, Angus was somewhat shocked at how much money changed hands. And the hands were Taako’s to Dor’Wyn, which surprised him as well, but he supposed that Taako was just playing the ‘father’ role, and would extract payment later. Probably with interest. Angus was sat on a stool next to the counter after the gold was secured in a strong box.

“None of my business really, but you made the right choice young man.”

“What do you mean sir?” Angus eyed the components that were being put out curiously. 

“Getting your ears restored before puberty. Can do funny things to the body.” He peered at the boy. “... too young for an elf, but half elf… your father have that talk with you yet?” 

Angus, who had been subjected to a little on the subject, stuttered out that he did have the basic idea what was coming, yes. Of course, he’d had the  _ human  _ puberty talk. Part of his brain quietly prayed that the cleric would just accept that. If it was too different, maybe Taako would tell him about elven puberty.That would be better. Barely.  He hoped. Maybe there was a book.

“And I read about some of the effects of ear docking.” 

“That Book, huh? The one by Aldgrif.” He shook his head. “Surprised they let that get published. But it didn’t expressly come out and say it should stop, I guess.” 

“Is it common?”

“Less common than it used to be, but I do see my fair share.” 

“Well that’s good!” Angus said cheerfully. 

“Well… I think so. Better for their health, and better for business. But I worry that they’ll regret it.” He anointed Angus’s ears with something cool and odorless. “Now you may feel a little bit dizzy for a bit, and your ears will be sensitive for a few days until the regrown flesh gets used to the air. I’ve had people ask if they should be hyper aware of their ears, and that will mostly go away in a few days as well, as you get used to it.”  His words faded into a pleasant hum of prayer and Angus closed his eyes for a moment, lost in the sound. He was shaken out of it by Taako’s hoot of laughter. 

“What is it, sir?” He asked 

“Those are the biggest damn ears I’ve ever seen on a half elf, is all.” 

His head did feel funny like Dor’Wyn had warned. 

“Well… maybe you’ll grow into them.” Taako said encouragingly. Angus patted gingerly at his ears, they felt a bit bigger than the illusitory ones he’d been experimenting with. 

Not as big as Taako’s but certainly not hideable. Taako produced a hand mirror from somewhere inside his tunic, and offered it over. It wasn’t really what Angus had hoped for, but at the same time, it gave him a thrill deep in his gut. It was  _ right  _ somehow.

“That seemed really easy.” 

“Easy as any seventh level spell, kid.” Taako said dismissively. “Deceptive when you see it from the outside.” 

Dor’Wyn looked at Taako with a bit of a surprise, but nodded. 

 

Angus felt like things should be different now, but they weren’t rally. His hearing and eyesight didn’t get sharper, and he was only slightly distracted by the sensation of his ears actually moving slightly. People didn’t even look at him differently as he walked at Taako’s elbow while the elf went back to shopping. 

 

It took Taako several minutes to realize that Angus was no longer trailing behind him. He put down the hatpin he’d been examining, and backed out of the stall looking this way and that.

“Ango?” he called, looking for a bookstore or something equally nerdy that might have drawn the kid off. Then again this was Angus, he might have seen a shady exchange in an alleyway and gone after it, hot on the heels of mystery. Taako didn’t even like  _ adventure _ , the idea of seeking out mysteries the way Angus did was right out. “ANGUS MCDONALD! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!” he yelled. Oh shit what if ear hunters had gotten him? He’d just gotten them back! He was going to lose his boy. 

“Here sir!” Angus popped up. “Sorry for worrying you, I was just making a purchase!”

“Worried? Cha, I wasn’t worried.”  Taako leaned on Angus’s head for a few moments. “All right dumpling let's get those components and head back. Mission accomplished.” he tweaked the end of Angus’s ear and the boy squeaked. His arm slid down to put the kid in a loose headlock as he proceeded towards a different part of the market, towing Angus stumbling beside him.

 

They called the transport down outside of town in the dusk. While they waited, Angus cleared his throat.   
“Can I ask you a question or two, sir?”

“Agnes, if there is a way to get you to  _ stop _ , I’d like to know it.” 

“Well, Mr. Dor’Wyn mentioned puberty, so I guess he thought it was important. Is there anything you think I should know?”

“You’re asking me?” the elf looked shocked. “Pumpkin don’t hand me this kind of opportunity, I’m not a nice man.” 

“You’re the only elf I’m close to.” Angus shaded his eyes, looking up into the sky for the globe. “I guess I can ask Johann or one of the bureau clerics if you don’t want to talk about it, sir. Or find a book.” 

“Well, I can tell you I guess.” Taako thought about it. “I mean, you’re like, a couple years from human puberty right? Well elven puberty hits a littler later, late teens early twenties, and the main changes are physical aging gets slower. I gather humans get a lot more hair, but that’s just another place that elves are better.” 

 

The line of conversation was interrupted by the transport globe crashing into the ground a few yards away. Climbing in and settling the shopping bags, they waited for the weird feeling in their guts as the ball rose. As soon as it was in the air, Taako cleared his throat.

“Now that I’ve got your undivided attention I’m gonna tell you about some elven hormones, because elves don’t like to talk about it, but boy howdy, that is  _ totally  _ where little half elves come from.” He used a word that was not in Angus’s Elven textbook, then a phrase that could be translated to ‘the big need’ “Actually it’s called a lot of things. Happens to all genders. About every decade, sometimes more, sometimes less.” He squinted, doing some mental arithmetic. “Huh. Better make sure people know about it, I’m about due. Early symptoms are hot flashes, and feelings of restlessness, followed by disorientation, and loss of critical thinking. If you’ve got an outlet to let off steam, sometimes it can be kept down to manageable levels, but it’s just something you gotta endure.  It hits the big instincts, food, family, fighting, I mean, you can focus the energy into other things, but it’s hard as hell, and it better be something that’s your passion or passion is gonna distract you.” He gave a lopsided smile “By which I mean fu-”

“I get the point, sir.” his new ears were going to burn off. He was going to be the first half elf ever to combust from sheer embarrassment.

“So even if you are way too young, I might as well teach you Rooster’s Shielding Sack, because even if you never use it, you can teach it to other people. It’s an important cantrip. And super simple because you’re probably distracted if you’re using it.” He rubbed his chin. “Can’t always depend on the other person knowing it.” 

“Are you done sir?” Angus asked, about the color of a beet. They were just entering the moonbase.

“Depends on if you were listening, because I can start over…” Taako teazed. 

“No sir, I’ve got it. Can’t forget it now.” Angus pressed his hands to his cheeks. “Even if I tried.” 

 

Taako laughed and not exactly under his breath. 

“So, uh, I know you said not to mention it sir, but I’m really grateful for all the help you’ve given me.” 

“Can I just repeat- ‘don’t mention it’? Like to anyone?” 

“Of course not. I wouldn’t want to mess with your ‘street cred’ sir.”

“I know perfectly well you can say that without the drop quote.” 

“But I wanted to thank you, so-” Angus reached out and handed a small box to Taako. They rolled into the hangar, and he opened it as the light came back. Inside was a small pretty silver ring set with an amethyst.  It looked like it would just fit his pinky. 

“It’s a detect poison ring.” Angus explained quickly. “If you get near anything that’s poisoned, the stone will light up.”

“Well so much for midnight snacks, those things are never healthy.” Taako was shaken, and there was the faintest bit of color on his face. He snapped the box shut. “Is this why you disappeared?”

“Yes.” Angus nodded emphatically. “I wanted it to be a surprise.” 

“Well it worked. Good job.” 

The conversation distracted them both, and Angus forgot he’d intended to cast disguise self before getting out. The resulting explosion of confusion opened with the infamous

“Taako, what did you do?!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Dor'Wyn.   
> I think I may make him next time someone invites me to D&D. 
> 
> similarities to Luume’irma as purposed @interstellarvagabond on Tumblr in Taako's puberty talk are entirely intended
> 
> Short Epilogue to follow


	7. Epilouge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Later, after the day, after the cats...

“Say, Krav, you’re a half elf, right?”

“In so much as I’m anything, yes?” Kravitz tilted his head.

“I’ve just been noticing your ears aren’t as expressive as I’d expect is all.”

“Well, part of that is training. Also, they cut the tendon on the back of my ears to make me seem more human in the orphanage.”

Taako just stared at him, aghast. 

“I had it healed with the first of my earnings as a bard, so it’s mostly habit but… Taako, love, are you okay?”

“What the actual FUCK is wrong with this planet?”

**Author's Note:**

> This got so fucking out of hand guys. I had a random thought and now I've got chapters of stuff. There's drama and emotions and world building.   
> feel free to scream at me, I like the attention.   
> https://thebestworstidea.tumblr.com


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